The story of Jasmine (name changed) is the story of my friend. We grew up together, went to school same time, and she lives in Delhi with her daughter.  What she went through in life and what she achieved is very remarkable. I would like women in particular get strength and courage to face what she went through in life.  Prof. Teresa Antony, NY)

Jasmine (Prof. Teresa Antony, NY)

Mary and George were  a  happily married couple,  God fearing, devoted to their children and extended family. George was a successful businessman.  His employees loved him .George`s  birthday was a big celebration in the office and  his employees considered  a privilege to work for him because he was a generous boss for all his employees.  His first born  daughter  Leela was married off at a very young age of sixteen. His three sons were  in boarding school  in the sixth fourth and second grades.  George missed his children and once a month he will visit the kids.   He pined for a little  daughter.  Every evening after early dinner Mary and George will go to their backyard   where there were beautiful  fragrant flowers like Jasmine,  gardenia and varieties of roses.  Mary and George will sit in a big swing and will listen to the news on the radio and then listen to the  classical music broadcasting from All India  radio station.  George will ask Mary “ When are we going to have a little girl  and Mary will answer if God  is willing we will have a girl very soon.  One evening when they were sitting on the swing he embraced Mary and felt a little movement  in her belly. George asked” is it real?”.  Mary answered  I was waiting for an auspicious moment to tell you after our evening prayers.  George was overjoyed and kissed his wife. He  went inside into  the house opened his safe and brought a beautiful coral chain thread in gold with a matching earing presented them to his wife  .  Mary was very happy.  The next day even though it was not a Sunday they both went to church, thanked God for this great blessing and put  Rs 100 in the poor  box.  Every evening George will put his palm on Mary”s belly  and wait for babys movement.  When Mary was about   to deliver  their favorite midwife came early to the house and prepared Mary for the delivery.  The midwife was their good friend who had helped Mary deliver her other children.

George was so excited when miss Ivy told him that it is a beautiful girl weighed six pounds and two    ounzes and well formed , already announcing her entrance to the world with a loud cry.  After cleaning  the baby Miss Ivy brought the baby wrapped  in a silk blanket  and presented her to the proud father.  George kissed the baby and asked his wife whether he can call her JASMINE.  Mary  liked the name and approved his selection of the name.  George brought the baby to Mary and helped her to nurse the baby.

The news spread in the neighborhood and every morning women after attending the mass  will visit the new born and if they were nursing mothers will ask Mary whether they can nurse Jasmine . Jasmine was

Was a very happy baby .   Her brothers doted on her when the summer holidays in their home.  Jasmine was the apple of her father `s eye. Family, friends and neighbors will drop by into George`s house  under some pretext just to play with Jasmine.  Jasmine was a smart girl and she learned many songs that her father taught and was anxious to dance for her father with her jingling  anklet  as soon as he came home from work.  When she was three years old she knew the alphabet, many songs byheart and could count from one to hundred without anybodys help. So her father decided to put her in Kindergarten class.  At that time there were no rules that    kids have to be five years to be registered in school.  Since Jasmine was tall, beautiful  and smart, the nuns in Sacred Heart Convent  high school in Trichur district, bent some rules and entered her in the kindergarten class. Jasmin excelled herself not only in her studies, but also in sports , dancing and theater.  During the anniversary of the Sacred hearts Convent High School Jasmine is always the stock character of St Joseph in the Holy Family  depiction.  With st Joseph staff and his made up white beard, Jasmin looked every inch  like the typical  st.Joseph  looking fondly at mother Mary and Baby Jesus. AS the saying goes  jasmine  blossomed   into a beautiful  and accomplished girl .At the tender  age of  fifteen , to the pleasant surprise of her parents, family, teachers and friends  Jasmin

received the high School diploma. One thing that characterized Jasmin`s  nature was that she was fearless in pointing the drawbacks of her family  when ever she saw discrimination or misbehavior  towards the less fortunate people in her family for community. For a girl of fifteen that was a rare quality we seldom find these days

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Jasmine was sitting in her favorite place in the garden on the swing looking  very  seriously  in a book dealing with college curriculum.  Her dad George came by and sat down next to her.  He asked her “ my child “what are you so seriously looking?”  She said “Dad ever since I was a little girl I wanted to become a lawyer so that I can fight for all these young poor women whom I often saw being beaten by their drunkard husbands.  It is so sad  to see that these women who  work from morning to night, working for other people and the husbands come in the evening taking all the money she earned , go the liquor shop, get drunk and come home and beat their wives.  I want to be a lawyer and defend these women.  I want to go to the best   college , get a degree and then go to law school.  My good grade will help me to get admission in any college”.  George listened to her with understanding  said to her “ my little daughter  I have a little problem with that”.  As I am getting old I want to see you happily married to a very good boy who can take care of you if something   happens to me”.  Jasmine said, nothing will happen to you and even  if something happens I have my brothers and they will take care of me.  As soon as I finish my law degree I  will agree to get married. Now I am only fifteen years old and please let me finish my studies. “ George replied, “ I don’t want to put the burden on your brothers. Moreover, sisters are like curry leaves. They will give flavor to the dishes but when it comes to enjoy the dishes, the leaves will be discarded.  You can go to college even after you get married” . I have found a very eligible boy, highly educated, gold medalist, belonging to a very well known family.  It is very difficulty to get such an alliance with all these qualifications”. He took out a color picture of Peter , the proposed boy and showed it to Jasmine.  Jasmine thought for a moment , looked at her dad , saw the pleading look in his eyes, agreed to see the boy.  Finally  after talking to the boy she agreed to marry him.   The marriage was conducted with great pomp and fanfare. The bride was adorned with jewelry  weighing  one hundred  soverigns.  Within one month of her graduation from high school Jasmine was married  and left her home with her husband.

Peter was very gentle with Jasmine and instead of taking her to his apartment, he took her to his guardian cousin’s house so that she won’t be lonely when he went  to  work.  He brought  her books on marriage,and  sex  to read. Poor jasmine , growing  up in such a protected home had no clue  about sex and marriage . In the 1950’s the culture in Kerala was not to read anything about sex related books and most young girls had no  clue as to   what happens   the night of the  marriage. Fortunately for  Jasmine Peter was very understanding  and waited  for her   to learn all about sex  from the books.  After one month  Peter took her to his apartment and thus at the age of 15 she started her own married life.  Beeing the darling of the house,  Jasmine  never learned how to  cook .  She went to the library , read all the favorite recipes  and became an excellent cook.  Peter was so happy with her  skills of managing the house, he showered her with gifts.  One day after dinner when they  were watching their favorite program  on the TV, She broached the subject of going to college.  Peter was so surprised  to hear  that she even thought about going to college.   He told her that she does not need a college degree to be  good wife and mother. There goes all her dreams!  Very soon she became pregnant  with  her first child  born when she was sixteen.  Fortunately  her parents brought her home , made sure that she got all the medical treatment during pregnancy  . Her mother made sure  that  she got all the advises  needed to cope with carrying a child at the tender age.     Her mother’s  tender loving care  helped to face those difficult  times    .  Jasmine stayed  with her parents till the child was one year old and joined her husband.  Within seven years of  the marriage Jasmine had four children.  Every time she became pregnant  George and Mary  brought her to their house looked after all her needs . For the first child they went with her with two servants  from her home town and George made sure that his little daughter had all the  help she needed financially and otherwise.  She was such a devoted wife and mother  even newly married girls who came to the same town would  seek her advice and help.  In spite of the four children and a home to take care Jasmine was involved  with the community and initiated many community programs  to help the young couples and  the  poor  families of her town.  Soon Peter          

Was transferred to  a bigger city and Jasmine continued to help the newly arrived brides in the new place  with all their house needs.  She was so good with her knitting, she made  woolen outfits for all the new babies  of her friends.  She also  discovered that  she could take  courses by correspondence and  achieved the  highest certificate degree in Hindi.(  In the 1950’s  there was no on line coursed for degree seekers).  Jasmine also was involved in attending  small workshops in fashion  and beauty  techniques.  She made sure that her children got the best education and brought them up as independent girls and boy.  When the children were in elementary school, Peter got a transfer  as a consultant   to  go to Iran That was a great opening for Jasmine to  meet  all the diplomatic members of Teheran.  She used  her talents  to help  community  in organizing  small workshops for women in self help activities  and other related  work.  Being in the diplomatic environment  Jasmine had opportunity to mix with the diplomatic community.  She learned driving  which helped her in her social work.  She  collaborated with the Shah of Persia first wife  Shabhanu   and collaborated with her in her social services   .  She concentrated on the poor women of Teheran and organized many workshops to teach them all that she had learned  .  She even taught her daughters folk dances and organized the celeblration of Indian Independence  day with dances of her daughters.  But all the she regretted   that she did not have a college degree.  After five years in Teheran  the Peters returned to their home country.  Jasmine continued  her community activities.   Their home was a refuge for all the bachelors  from Kerala who lived in their neighborhood   who would come to their home after the Sunday mass and enjoy  all the typical Kerala breakfast.  Jasmine and her husband were very generous in their hospitality.  Thinking of it now  Jasmine says “ I never expected any kind of gratitude and words of  appreciation from them.  But looking back on those days I often wonder how come Kerala people never say thank you or bring some token gifts to the lady of  the house who goes to great extent to prepare all their favorite dishes  for them.  Even now these kind of gestures  appreciation  is not very  common  among  the Kerala  community. 

I would like to deviate from jasmine story for a little . In New   York  there are many families where the male species take advantage of the silent suffering of the female counter part.  Short of beating them some  men(  I know that there are many understanding males who help their wives in their daily chores)

will use four letter words when they  get angry  or when they don’t get their  desired favors.  Once I asked  a few Kerala men “  you are living in America  , why cant you treat your wives with a little more respect. You know harsh words hurt people”.  Some replied “ My wife wants me to remember her birthday, bring her flowers  and she wants chocolates for Valentines day”.   I asked them  “Is it a difficult      problem for you to buy your wife one rose flower or buy little candy for Valentine’s day if that will make her  happy.”  Some said  “  I am from the old culture and  I don’t want to change”.  I know cases where the wife had asked for divorce  because  she could not take the verbal abuse any more.  When I told one of my friends about the verbal  abuse story  he told me” if that is the case my wife would have divorced  me many times.  He said this a sense  of pride.  It is so true many Keral wives  tolerate all such abuses  silently.  They are brought up to be obedient to their husbnd no mtter  how abusive he may be. They suffer in silence to protect the family pride etc.

I often wonder if Jasmine had got an agreement from her would be husband  that she will start a family only after she got her first degree, would he have agreed to marry her?  Would  Jasmine’s father would have  his heart broken because his daughter  did not  follow his advice?  No one can predict. In old times the daughter moved from the control of the father to the control of the husband.  That was a fact in those days.  Thank God the present girls educated, earning as much as the husband, in some cases more than the husband  is not a silent suffering  wife.  The number of divorce in Kerala is on the rise.  When I asked one of our Kerala friends who visits us often “ why is it that we have so many divorces in Kerala now?”  He replied,  now the girls are highly educated, economically independent . But   many men have not changed  their attitude towards  their wives.. They expect the wives do all the services his mother  did .  When the educated girls confront such  treatment  they simply  don’t want to put up with it. The sad consequence Is  more dicorces.

Back to Jasmine.  She made sure that all her children were highly educated.  To compensate for the wishes of their mother’s   unfulfilled    desires  one of her daughters  became  a fighter for women’s rights. She travels  to Europe  and different parts of India   to speak for the empowerment of women.  She is also prolific in her writing  in defense of women’s causes.  Another daughter  is a spokesperson for the  uplift of abused spouses,  wrote a book on domestic  violence among South Asian  families.  She is an effective speaker  to focus  for the need to   tackle domestic violence .  Besides writing the book on domestic violence,  she keeps writing articles on the subject and is a speaker  in great demand  . She actively   participates in many organization that  give help to the victims of domestic violelnce.   Her lawyer  son worked  thirty years   pro bono to  defend works who are treated  wrongly by their employers.  Jasmine can find   comfort in the fact that she was able to inculcate in her children a sense of awareness  to the needs of the downtrodden  and the defenseless.  Let us hope we can learn  something from the life of  Jasmine     

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Jasmine returned  to India after five years of her husband’s  UNEXCO  assignment , filled with a lot of new ideas,  a certificate infundamentals of  training,   ready to start her own beauty salon  shop  in her   town..  When she told her husband about her plan, he replied that he does not want  their  her children to be known as the  family of a shop owner.   She had to give away all the beauty products she had purchased from Iran.  So another dream of Jasmine  disappeared  into thin air.   To subsidize their income  she started a small chicken  scoop on the roof of their flat so that she could provide eggs and chicken meat for her family. She maintained the little chicken collection so well, keeping   meticulous  account of the expenses and the returns, to the envy of her friends.  After a few   years  her husband was again got an assignment from FAO ( Food and Agricultural Organization)  to go to Rome and she followed him there . Everywhere  Jasmine  went  she   tried to learn as much as she can about the  culture, cuisine and  history of the place and imparted these knowledge to her children   . After one year she returned  to India and immersed herself looking after her children and husband.    She continued her community services to the newly married couples,  providing breakfast on Sundays  to the bachelors  who lived in hotels and dorms.  Her eldest  daughter  was given in marriage to one of their friends son who had  an excellent  job in the government.  During this time Jasmine had many health problems and had more than five major surgeries   .  One day she asked her husband why he did not visit her while she was in the hospital and he answered that he did not get a driver to take him to the hospital. She asked him “don’t you know there is something called a taxi “  He told her “ what difference will it make if I visited you or not”.  Jamine  kept quiet.  What else can an obedient  wife do?

Life went on and suddenly Peter was diagnosed with some heart problem and he had to take an early retirement.  Many times Jasmine suggested to him” let us buy a flat, what is the point in giving rent

which we can be used as part  the mortgage of our won flat”.  No response from Peter.    Now her major activity centered in taking Peter to the doctors, hospitals and taking care of his special diet and exercise  routine.When she could spare a little time she took a part time job in a designer company which brought  a small sum to  support her family.  Peters  health  got worse and worse.  He was getting his pension now and her friends asked her “ did you make sure that if something happens to him you will be the beneficiary  of his pension”.  She told them” whatever he wants to do let him do.   It is  his money and I don’t want to interfere in his plans”.  She would take him to the hospital  emergency  often and would stay in his room to look after him.  Slowly, Peters  life was ebbing away and Jasmine  knew  very soon he will be gone and it happened.  She used his life insurance money for all the funera l and other expenses.

Jasmine suddenly found that she was penniless and Peter had not put her as his beneficiary of his pension.  Jasmine’s  creativity  and  resourcefulness  helped her to face this dire situation.  She took up a full time job at the designers  company,.  She  had to find money for the rent..  One time she did not have the money to buy the ration.  She did not give up hope.  She knew that where there a will, there is a way.  She did not  want  to ask any help from her brothers  or friends.  She became an agent for an insurance company, bought some travel  accessories  from a friend  ( who was kind enough to give her  the articles at cost price) and being a good sales person she was able sell then at good profit.  She invested the little money she saved to buy a flat so that  they could call it their own.  She also sought advice from  some good friends and invested little money in a few companies and slowly  but surely  she found herself  financially independent.  She was able to send her two unmarried daughters to US for higher studies and they did very well in their doctoral studies. 

Now Jasmine is a  retired  woman, using every opportunity  she has to advise  help   and council  her friends.  Many stressed out wives seek her help to face their marital problems. One of the stories she likes to recall is that a friend of hers came frantically to her one day and said” I want to commit suicide . Life is not worth living”.  She told her “first let us have a cup of coffee and afterwards  you can decide whatever  you want to do”.  And of course after talking over with Jasmine she got the courage to face the problems she was confronted with.  Jasmine has so many stories like this and she enjoys helping people in whatever way she can. Now she is in a position to help people financially  ( she has a  keen sense in good  investment and fortunately they have given her good returns)    as well as psychologically.  She always has such a positive attitude towards life and  any  one  who  has a chance to talk to her can see her love for her fellow beings.  She does not have any hard feelings towards her  husband .  She remembers all the love he gave her and the wonderful married life they had  together .  She believes in the Karma philosophy  and is ready to give a lending hand to any who is in need.  She believes also in Jesus Christ’s saying that “ whatever you measure out  will be measured out to you”.  I think her life will be good role model for all of us specially women who face many marital problems in their life.  Be independent, be  brave.  Always  try to have tolerant communications  with the members of your family . These small acts can bring much peace to one’s life.